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    您的位置 首頁 散文隨筆

    張愛玲:我的天才夢

    我是一個古怪的女孩,從小被目為天才,除了發展我的天才外,別無生存的目標。然而,當童年的狂想逐漸褪色的時候,我發現我除了天才的夢之外一無所有——所有的只是天才的乖僻缺點。世人原諒瓦格涅的疏狂,可是他們不會原諒我。

    加上一點美國式的宣傳,也許我會被譽為神童。我三歲時能背誦唐詩。我還記得搖搖擺擺地立在一個滿清遺老的籐椅前朗吟「商女不知亡國恨,隔江猶唱后庭花」,眼看著他的淚珠滾下來。七歲時我寫了第一部小說,一個家庭悲劇。遇到筆劃複雜的字,我常常跑去問廚子怎樣寫。第二部小說是關于一個失戀自殺的女郎。我母親批評說:如果她要自殺,她決不會從上海乘火車到西湖去自溺。可是我因為西湖詩意的背景。終于固執地保存了這一點。

    我僅有的課外讀物是《西游記》與少量的童話,但我的思想并不為它們所束縛。八歲那年,我嘗試過一篇類似烏托邦的小說,題名快樂村。快樂村人是一好戰的高原民族,因克服苗人有功,蒙中國皇帝特許,免征賦稅,并予自治權。所以,快樂村是一個與外界隔絕的大家庭,自耕自織,保存著部落時代的活潑文化。

    我特地將半打練習簿縫在一起,預期一本洋洋大作,然而,不久我就對這偉大的題材失去了興趣。現在我仍舊保存著我所繪的插畫多幀,介紹這種理想社會的服務,建筑,室內裝修,包括圖書館,「演武廳」,巧克力店,屋頂花園。公共餐室是荷花池里一座涼亭。我不記得那里有沒有電影院與社會主義——雖然缺少這兩樣文明產物,他們似乎也過得很好。

    九歲時,我躊躇著不知道應當選擇音樂或美術作我終身的事業。看了一張描寫窮困的畫家的影片后,我哭了一場,決定做一個鋼琴家,在富麗堂皇的音樂廳里演奏。對于色彩,音符,字眼,我極為敏感。當我彈奏鋼琴時,我想像那八個音符有不同的個性,穿戴了鮮豔的衣帽攜手舞蹈。我學寫文章,愛用色彩濃厚,音韻鏗鏘的字眼,如「珠灰」,「黃昏」,「婉妙」,「splendour,「melancholy」,因此常犯了堆砌的毛病。直到現在,我仍然愛看《聊齋志異》與俗氣的巴黎時裝報告,便是為了這種有吸引力的字眼。

    在學校里,我得到自由發展。我的自信心日益堅強,直到我十六歲時,我母親從法國回來,將她睽違多年的女兒研究了一下。

    「我懊悔從前小心看護你的傷寒癥,」她告訴我,「我寧愿看你死,不愿看你活著使你自己處處受痛苦。」我發現我不會削蘋果,經過艱苦的努力,我才學會補襪子。我怕上理髮店,怕見客,怕給裁縫試衣裳。許多人嘗試過教我織絨線,可是沒有一個成功。在一間房里住了兩年,問我電鈴在哪兒,我還茫然。我天天乘黃包車上醫院去打針,接連三個月,仍然不認識那條路。總而言之,在現實的社會里,我等于一個廢物。

    我母親給我兩年的時間學習適應環境。她教我煮飯;用肥皂粉洗衣;練習行路的姿勢;看人的眼色;點燈后記得拉上窗簾;照鏡子研究面部神態;如果沒有幽默天才,千萬別說笑話。

    在待人接物的常識方面,我顯露驚人的愚笨。我的兩年計畫是一個失敗的試驗。除了使我的思想失去均衡外,我母親的沉痛警告沒有給我任何的影響。

    生活的藝術,有一部分我不是不能領略。我懂得怎麼看《七月巧云》,聽蘇格蘭兵吹bagpibe,享受微風中的籐椅,吃鹽水花生,欣賞雨夜的霓虹燈,從雙層公共汽車上伸出手摘樹巔的綠葉。在沒有人與人交接的場合,我充滿了生命的歡悅。可是我一天不能克服這種咬齧性的小煩惱,生命是一襲華美的袍,爬滿了蚤子。

    注1:
    瓦格涅:通譯為華格納(Richard Wagner,1813-1883),德國作曲家、文學家,一生致 力于歌曲創作,代表作有《尼伯龍根指環》等。

    注2:
    splendour:輝煌,壯麗。
    melancholy:憂郁。
    bagpipe:風笛。

    責任編輯: 韋海生

    本站文章均標明作者或出處,僅供個人學習之用,如有侵權,請在下方留言,我將盡快刪除。

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